His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
