the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
