I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
