Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
