im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
