Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
