i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
