I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
