dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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