It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
