and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
