Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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