Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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