Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
