I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
