Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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