We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
