I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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