i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
