Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
