Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
