It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
