Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have feelings that need drinking.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
