Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
