Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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