I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
