apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
