I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
