flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
