I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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