I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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