he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Even my vagina gasped.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
