she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
