i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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