Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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