I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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