I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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