i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my sisters under your porch take her home
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
