My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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