There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
