Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
