I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
