Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
