I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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