I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
