we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
