I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
