I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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