New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
