My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
